For most of my adult life, I felt that I was in control. I felt that all of my successes and
failures were a result of what I did or failed to do. I was proud of my accomplishments, and frankly had little patience for people who did not exhibit the same type of work ethic as me.
One challenge I could never win was my battle over infertility. At first, I ignored the truth, burying myself in work and other activities. When I finally repaired my relationship with God, I began to pray and ask for a child. I had returned to the Church, our marriage had been blessed, and my husband had converted to Catholicism. I had consulted my doctor, and although we did not participate in IVF due to religious beliefs, I underwent every other possible procedure. I even changed jobs so my work hours would be more regular and corresponded with my husband’s schedule.
Finally, I stopped praying for a child, I stopped praying to get pregnant. I started praying for God to show me the way. If not becoming a Mother, what is God calling me to do?
It was then when I let go of my plans, and allowed the Lord to direct my life that the answer came.
“Not as I will, but as thou wilt.” (Matthew 26:39)
“Do whatever He tells you.” (John 2:5)
“Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven”
So, how come is it still so difficult for me to place my trust in the Lord?
Why do I let the anxieties of life get me down?
Recently, I read this mediation by Caryll Houselander that really helped me in my struggle.
“We know by faith that Christ is in our own family; it is he whom we foster in our children. When you tell your child a story, when you play a game with your little son, you tell a story, you play a game with the Christ Child. One of our commonest natural experiences of the sense of loss is tiredness: it empties us out…
It is useless to flog a tired mind, useless to reproach a tired heart; the only way to God, when we are tired out, is the simplest wordless act of faith. A woman too weary for articulate prayer will find that for her the best of all prayer is the unspoken act of faith in Christ in her children. When she knows that she is setting the table and baking the cake for the Christ Child, her soul will be at rest…
Awareness of the presence of the Divine Child in us draws us off from every distracting and destructive preoccupation, such as self-pity, anxiety, irritability with other people, the morbidity which leads us to dwell more upon our own sinfulness than upon the beauty of God. In wonder of this awareness, we are able to accept the humiliation of being ourselves.”