" Come Back to me"
Over the past several Sundays, I have been sharing my personal journey back to the practice of my faith and full communion with the Catholic Church. How I lost my faith in God, and how through God’s grace and loving care I was able to repair my relationship with God our Father and experience the loving care he has for me in my life.
and here is Part 4
It was not until I came back to the Church as an adult that I realized my image of God was one dimensional. My single image of God did not allow “bad things to happen”. I now realize as a Christian, I must examine the Holy Scriptures. The Bible does not guarantee “bad things” will never happen, but it does guarantee God will be with me when they do if I believe and place my trust in Him. As a Catholic, I also realize I must consider the lives of holy people and see how they responded to darkness in their lives. Recently, I read a passage written by Catherine of Siena, I would like to share with you.
“You may say to me, “What can I do when I experience such darkness and blindness of spirit that there doesn’t seem to be a thread of light by which I can hang on to hope?” …Answer the devil’s discouragement by saying, “If divine grace were not in me, I would have no good will but would be following your tricks and my own evil thoughts. But I trust in our Lord, Jesus Christ, who will keep me safe right up to the end of my life.
Now this is how I want to you to act. Why? Because this is how people act who are in love with God.”
Placing my trust in God has not been an easy thing for me to do. Most of my adult life, I felt that I was in control. I felt that all of my successes and failures were a result of what I did or failed to do. I was proud of my accomplishments, and frankly had little patience for people who did not exhibit the same type of work ethic as me.
One challenge I could never win was my battle over infertility. At first, I ignored the truth, burying myself in work and other activities. When I finally repaired my relationship with God, I began to pray and ask for a child. I had returned to the Church, our marriage had been blessed, and my husband had converted to Catholicism. I had consulted my doctor, and although we did not participate in IVF due to religious beliefs, I underwent every other possible procedure. I even changed jobs so my work hours would be more regular and corresponded with my husband’s schedule.
Finally, I stopped praying for a child, I stopped praying to get pregnant. I started praying for God to show me the way. If not becoming a Mother, what was God calling me to do?